Couple Of Funnies

Some Funnies

Couple Of Funnies

Women 's Dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and kiss." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

_________________________

Prove Him Wrong

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

_____________________________

The Language of Women

perhaps = no

I'm sorry = you will regret that

we need = I want

you decide = the right decision should be obvious

do it like you think = you'll pay for that!

we have to talk = I want to complain about something

do it if you like to = I don't want you to do it

you're so manly = you should shave

you're really nice to me today = you're thinking of sex, don't you?

switch off the light = I have cellulite

the kitchen is impractical = I want a new house / apartment

I want new curtains = and carpets, furniture and wallpaper

do you love me? = I want to ask for something expensive

how much do you love me? = I did something you won't like

you have to learn how to communicate = you just have to have my opinion

Laughter Time

A man staggers into an emergency room with 2 black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the Doctor asks him what happened.

"Well it was like this" said the man. "I was playing a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her golf ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows has something white on its rear end. I went over and lifted its tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball......stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the Doctor.

"Well, I turned to my wife and yelled, Hey, this looks like yours!"

*******************************************************

"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.

At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.

At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.

His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

The Five Stages Of A Woman